This is the GOAT motherfucking website.

Seriously, it's 2025. Get your shit together.

You thought the other two websites were minimalistic? They were just lazy. This is what peak performance looks like. It's dark mode by default because I respect your motherfucking rod cells. It uses system fonts because I'm not going to make you download a 4MB font file just to read my shitty opinions.

It's even lighter than the others

We declared 7 lines of CSS? Cute. I declared variables. That's right, CSS variables, motherfucker. Because we live in a society. And unlike those other sites, I didn't verify if this validates because I know it does. It's HTML5. It's semantic. It's accessible.

Dark Mode by Default

Why the fuck does every website blind you with a white background at 2AM? "Oh, but typography theory says..." Shut the fuck up. It's dark here. It's saving your battery. It's saving your eyes. You're welcome.

:root {
    --bg-color: #1a1a1a;
    --text-color: #e0e0e0;
}

Look at that. Beautiful contrast. Readable. And it didn't take a 500kb React library to toggle it.

No Fucking Tracking

The other guys loaded Google Analytics? Sellouts. I don't care who you are. I don't care where you came from. I don't want your cookies. I don't want your local storage. This request happened, the server sent you some text, and now we're done. That's the internet, bitch.

Features? We got 'em.

• Responsive: Works on your phone, your watch, and your smart fridge.
• Fast: Loads faster than you can say "largest contentful paint".
• Secure: There is literally nothing to hack. It's text.
• Honest: No popups asking for your newsletter subscription.

Real Recognizes Real

You think Michael Jordan needed Google Analytics to win 6 rings? Fuck no. He just showed up and dominated. You think Messi needs a 5MB hero image to prove he's the GOAT? He just plays the beautiful game. This website is the MJ of websites. It's the Messi of markup. It doesn't need to try hard. It just is better.

We are the '96 Bulls. We are prime Barça. We are Brady in the 4th quarter. We don't track you because we know you're watching. We don't need SEO keywords because we are the keyword. (Okay, I put some in the header, but that's just to rub it in their faces).

Advice

Look at your website and weep.
It's bloated, heavy, and ugly.
Right now, you are making the web worse.
Only an idiot would think 500 requests is acceptable.
Never do that shit again.

Epilogue

This is satirical. But also, seriously, stop over-engineering your personal blogs. You're not Facebook. You're a dude with a keyboard. Act like it.